I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
