Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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