The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
