That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
