we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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