Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
