Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
