Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
