I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
