i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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