my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
