it wasn't lemon gatorade
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
