I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Randomize
