I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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