i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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