We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
