you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
