I think I died a long time ago.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
