hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
