I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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