i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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