So drunk its hurt
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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