My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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