You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
