i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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