if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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