Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
