You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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