I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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