wanna go halves on a baby?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
