Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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