I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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