Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
