oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
