I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
