Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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