I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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