Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
