Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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