Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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