I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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