There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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