P.S. I can't hear my feet
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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