i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
