your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
We just shotgunned beers for America
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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