Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
