Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
