I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
