I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
