So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
