I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
